Clerks II

I've been doing most of the blogging here lately, but then again, I only have about one hour's worth of actual work to do a day, so I spend most of my days surfing espn, cnn, youtube, myspace, facebook, candystand, sportspickle, the onion, amazon, apple trailers, and club jenna jameson, and when I get bored of those, I blog. I figured I might as well use this space to launch my career as the next roger ebert once he croaks. But first, here's a west coast update:

Friday was my cousin Rob's birthday, so we decided to party it up in San Francisco. My cousin Sue asked me on Thursday to find a comedy club for all of us to go to. I was thinking there could be only a million comedy clubs in that city so I was kinda pissed that I was in charge of booking some shitty improv show. How the hell do I know what local comedians are good and which ones suck? So I did a google search and the very first link was to this place called Cobb's and on Friday there was a special guest comedian: DAVE ATTELL!! So I booked that. Sue rented a limo for eight of us. We piled into the limo and drank our faces off for the hour long trip into the city. The show was HILARIOUS! Afterwards we went barhopping and we all woke up the next morning in various states of disarray. My cousin Fernando woke up by the pool outside. It was a fun time.

Growing up on the Jersey Shore comes with choices. I guess it's kinda like growing up black in LA and deciding between the Crips and Bloods, or latino in LA and choosing between the five percenters and latin kingz, or growing up a Notre Dame fan and choosing between pitching or catching the cock. Our choices are a little less hostile (except during a Subway Series). You must choose between the Yankees or the Mets, Giants or Jets, Knicks or Nets, Rangers or Devils, Springsteen or Bon Jovi (although you can like both, you can only LOVE one), Seaside or Point Pleasant, boardwalk fries with or without garlic, salt or freshwater taffy, and Italian or everything else. Some things however are givens on the Shore. The luxury of not having to pump your own gas, Jack Nicholson and Frank Sinatra, hating Bennys, and of course Kevin Smith movies. Kevin Smith is yout typical local boy gone big. Jersey has its fair share of celebrities, but Kevin Smith keeps his roots in Jersey and is still that way at heart. Even Springsteen, who still lives in Jersey, has left Jersey in the sense that he so mega-famous that Jersey can't hold him. When Clerks hit in 1994, it was an indie sensation that has only been eclipsed by Pulp Fiction and The Blair Witch Project. The dialogue is unique, believable, and intelligent, not to mention absolutely hysterical. 12 years later, Kevin Smith releases a sequel and I was very apprehensive about it at first, but after seeing it, I say bravo to you Kevin Smith.
Sequels suck as a general rule (exceptions being Empire and Matrix 2 and Spiderman 2, all of which were better than the originals, and the latter two blowing the originals clear out of the water!). Clerks 2 starts with the Quick Stop burning down in a fire 12 years after the first movie with Dante and Randal still working there. Now they are working at Mooby's fast food, a fictional chain which made its debut in "Dogma." The movie starts out in black and white and then goes into color. Basically Kevin Smith took his characters and now gave them 30 year old problems rather than 20 year old problems. The dialogue is funny but it is also deep and reflects some intelligent criticisms about what it truly means to live your life happily. Dante, ever the brooder, feels that he NEEDS to get married because that's what life says he should do, meanwhile Randal feels life is what you make it and says many times how he misses the Quick Stop. The movie is filled with pop culture humor, especially a great argument over which is the "real" trilogy, Lord of the Rings or Star Wars. Raunchy sexual humor is of course a Smith trademark, and the stuff that comes out of these characters' mouths is incredible and hilarious. The movie is filled with in-jokes from Kevin Smith's universe, but is also funny for non-Kevin Smith fanboys. The ending scene is perfect. If you remember the first movie, you'll agree that Clerks 2 ends perfectly. I will also say that Rosario Dawson was amazing tits. Even though we don't actually see them, she wears a form fitting shirt which clues us in to their perfect size. Unlike Superman, spend the money to see this movie.



Tags: CLERKS

My new phone

I got my brand new phone today and I am excited about it. It is the Sprint LG FUSIC. It is basically a phone and iPod combined into one. First here are some pics of my new phone and then I'll tell you why it is so cool.


First off, the phone has text messaging, so I FINALLY have text messaging. It has bluetooth technology and comes with a 64 MB storage ship which I plan to expand to about a gig. I need space for my tunes. That's the best part, I can upload mp3's from my computer or even stream music for free. It also has an FM transmitter which means I can tune the phone to match any FM frequency and voila: i hear my music through my car speakers, or a stereo, or what have you. It also has a camcorder and I can plug speakers into it so I could even run a party through my phone!! The phone came with headphones, so I can start jsamming to mu music already. I also have the option where I can watch TV on it. I get free streams of movie trailers, Fox News (i can use a good laugh while I'm walking) and Sirius Sattelite radio, even though I'm an XM fan, but I'll take it. I also get free NFL updates and highlights. I had to pay $15 more a month for all those free streams, but I figured, why not. I got the phone for free through my cousin's company, why not splurge a little. So that's my new phone in a nutshell. The only thing I wasn't too crazy about was the color, but hey, it's blue and white!!! We all know what blue and white stands for!!!!!



Tags: Sprint Music Phone

Here we go again....

In the past week, espn.com has run THREE different articles on Notre Lame football. Charlie Weis is god, Charlie Weis is a genius, Brady Quinn has already won the Heisman, Jeff Samardijswueydndowmsoijaza is such a great athlete, he plays 37 different sports and puts Bo Jackson to shame, they have already won the national championship.....SHUT THE FUCK UP!!!!! We get it! Notre Lame had a good season (but did they win their bowl game? have they ever won a BCS game?). No other teams are being profiled heavily. How about Vince Young's successor? What is USC going to do; reload or rebuild? Is Alabama really that good? They have only one artivce about West Virginia and that is a great football team returning almost everybody from last year. And how about PENN FUCKING STATE!!!! We only had the greatest turnaround in college football history last year (ok, maybe a little embellishment there, but I am biased). They have an in depth preview of the Big Ten up and only Ohio State's long article is available. The other schools are only available for that stupid Insider bullshit. Didn't we win the Big Ten and deserve some press? This Notre Dame bullshit will not go away....until their home opener against the NITTANY LIONS!!! I can't wait to invade that campus and impregnate an ugly fat catholic girl and paint something blue and white. And even after we shit-stomp them, they'll get more press. Just like when they got all the headlines when they LOST to USC.


Tags: FUCK NOTRE DAME!!!!

World War ___

Who else thinks that its a matter of time before Israel drags us into another world war? I mean, one could say they are taking a page from our book by invading countries but now we are playing "political" games with Iran and Syria. Will we not rest until the whole middle east is under our/their direct control? I'm just sick of this crap, someone build me a rocket to Endor, I'll bet those ewok bitches give good head.

Nacho Libre and the World Cup final

I know how Aventius hates how I fit multiple subjects under one entry, so I decided I am going to keep doing it. First, an update on my life:

I feel much better. Blood tests show I do not have Lyme disease despite Pineapples' attempt to inflict me with his army of killer Maryland ticks. The medication is working wonders and my rash is down to the size of a quarter now. I feel better and am now able to wander about. I'm back to working, but I still can't stay in the sunlight very long because of the medication.

So the night before the World Cup final, My two cousins, my Dad, and I decided to go to San Francisco to watch it at some Italian bar. The game started at 10:30 AM California time, so we had to leave at 8 to get to San Fran in time and get a decent seat at the bar. That night we decided to go watch Pirates of the Caribbean, but it was sold out, so we decided to see Nacho Libre, which I can say with all confidence is the WORST movie ever made. I have finally seen a movie worse than Pearl Harbor which I thought could never be "topped." The movie is so stupid, which I don't mind because Dumb and Dumber is a stupid movie, but that movie was funny. Nacho Libre is not funny at all, despite Jack Black's best efforts. I recommend a root canal while slamming your dick into a doorway and listening to Dave Matthews before I recommend that movie.

So that movie was a late show and after 5 hours of sleep we were ready to go to to San Fran. The clouds were rolling in early and as we approached the city, all you could see was a big cloud. We arrived at this Italian bar in the middle of Chinatown and we got the last 4 seats at the bar. There was this guy who was right off the boat Italian, complete with greasy hair, Mario and Luigi accent, leather boots, white pants, and a silk shirt. He did have his HOT girlfriend there with him though. The bar gradually filled and by gametime, there was precious little room. There were a lot of Zidane jerseys and some cutie French women. The name of this bar was Pizza Orgasmica, so naturally we ordered a pie, but i didn't cum my pants, so I felt slighted. The Italian guy next to us talked the whole game in Italian, which was kind of cool to hear at first, but then got annoying, but then was so constant I started to tune him ouy, so I didn't mind. The first penalty kick was bullshit! A clear dive by the Frenchman. Italy's goal was great. To sum the game up, I will just say that I've seen 5 World Cup finals and remember each with clarity since Diego Maradona's magical tournament in '86, and the 2006 final was probably the best one I've seen in my life, just barely beating Argentina beating West Germany in 86. Even the shootout ending didn't bother me. The whole Zidane incident has been talked about for a while, so I won't bother. I'll only say that if Materassi said something racially motivated, than Zidane overreacted tremendously. Racial insults are commonplace in international soccer. The trash talk in soccer is unbelievable. Maradona got called a "half-nigger" every time he faced another country's team. Did Thierry Henry blow up when a Spanish crowd threw bananas at him and called chants of "monkey" at him? No he didn't. Zidane has a history of being a hothead and he did overreact, but then again, I'm not from Algiers and I don't know what exactly was said to get his blood boiling. One of the biggest cheers from the packed bar came when ABC showed Bill Clinton in the stands. As all of you know, I sorely Bill Clinton as president and I consider him the best president of the past 30 years. The bar started a "Clinton, Clinton" chant and also a "USA" chant. Gotta love liberal hippie San Francisco.

The game ended and we went on a tour of San Fran. We drank at a bar outside of the Giants' stadium, which is a gorgeous area. We took a tour of Alcatraz and we drove through the rich part of San Fran and my cousin showed me Robin Williams' house. Let's just say he spared no expense for his habitat. There were tourists standing outside the house I guess hoping to get a glimpse of the comic legend. I could definitely see myself living in San Fran except for the weather. The city is positioned exactly where the cold north air meets the warm pacific air resulting in cloud cover year round and that makes the weather cold. My cousin tells me that there are generally 2 weeks of hot weather in June and then the rest of the summer is usually 55-70 degrees. I was wearing a hooded sweatshirt in July and was still a little chilly!!! One other about San Fran...there are no black people here! I'm not saying it's good or bad, I'm just saying that in a major metropolitan city, I find it unusual for there not to be a large black population. I guess that the Japanese and Chinese are the blacks of San Fran. Well, time to go. Later fools!



Tags: Frisco Nacho

Legos

If the World Cup was played by Lego-men, this would be it. Be sure to look for the naked Lego-man streaking across the field.

Update
The link stopped working so here's another version from You Tube.



Tags: Legos, Soccer, & World+Cup

Superman Returns to mediocrity

Has there ever been a worse casting decision in a superhero movie than when Ben Affleck was given the role of Matt Murdock in Daredevil? Well now there is one worse; Kate Bosworth as Lois Lane. Yes, Kate Bosworth is a nice piece of ass, but Lois Lane is supposed to be a spitfire piece of ass. She's supposed to be a ruthless journalist and have a sassy atttude. Bosworth exhibits none of these qualities, and when she tries to, you can tell she didn't get to where she is because of her acting talent. The main storyline of any Superman movie should be the attraction of Lois to Superman and vice versa. There is absolutely NO chemistry between Bosworth and Brandon Routh(Superman). He isn't a very convincing Superman either. I believe he was hired only because he physically resembles a young Christopher Reeve.
The major problem with this movie isn't what it did, it's what it didn't do. It didn't try anything new. It seemed as if the director and the writers were so terrified of insulting the franchise that they played it safe and went with familiar plotlines and familiar character types. Spoilers are presented below so you are now forewarned:

The movie does keep the original score of the first movies which I liked. The opening credits were the same lettering and the same blue effects as in the original. That was all pretty cool. We have Kevin Spacey playing Gene Hackman playing Lex Luthor for the whole movie. He has a female partner in crime (just like in Superman I and II) who ends up screwing him in the end (just like in I and II). You'd think he'd have dropped the female after what Miss Tessbocker did to him in I, but this movie has no originality. Hell, if they were just gonna do that, they should have at least brought back Otis who was hilarious. We have Lois Lane in the press room asking, "How many F's are in catastrophe?"; an homage to Superman I. After Superman saves an airplane from crashing that Lois is on, he sets the plane down in the middle of a baseball field where the game is obviously temporarily halted. As he walks out of the cabin he says, "I hope this incident hasn't disuaded any of you from flying. It still is statistically the safest way to travel." That's the line verbatim from Superman I when he saves Lois from the helicopter. That scene in the original alone is better than anything in this movie. The editor, Perry White, is played by Frank Langella and is the most boring editor I've ever seen. He's nothing like the actor in the first movie who played White with a seriousness that bordered on hilarity. Lex Luthor's evil scheme is a real estate deal, just like in Superman I. He wants land and he's willing to destroy millions of people to create this land. Nothing new here. Another thing is that Siuperman has a love child in this movie, and nothing is done with it. That would have been an interesting story to tell, but instead they stayed with old reliable and made a shitty movie.
It's unfortunate that this cast is being compared to Superman I, but that comes with the territory. The cast from the first movie knew how important that movie was and understood that they needed to act a little tongue in cheek. Perry White, Jimmy Olsen, and even Lex Luthor were played by people who seemed to be in on a joke that was being played on the rest of the world. Reeve displayed Superman perfectly and was only outdone by his own performance of Clark Kent. Brandon Routh decided to play his Kent just like Reeve did and that fails miserably. Margot Kidder had the fire and the looks to be Lois Lane. Bosworth doesn't even look like Lois Lane. Lois Lane has straight black hair, not curly brownish hair. Teri Hatcher was a far superior Lois Lane on show "Lois and Clark" than Bosworth could ever be. Bottom line is that if you want to see this movie, save your $9.00, drive to Blockbuster, use $3.oo, rent Superman I and watch that because it is pretty much the same movie, so why not watch the better acted, more original, version than this piece of crap.

P.S. To go back to the beginning, while sitting through dozens of previews in the theater, there was one about the conspiracy behind the death of George Reeves, the original Superman from the 40's. He committed suicde, but apparently there is a big conspiracy theory that he was murdered and that is what this movie is gonna be about. It stars Adrien Brody, William H. Macy, and.....BEN AFFLECK as George Reeves. That guy just won't go away!!!!!


Tags: Superman sucks!

An unexpected turn

So my vacation in Cali was going great until the past few days. As some of you may know or not know, in June I paid Pineapples a visit in Bethesda and we went to a baseball game for his birthday weekend. It was an enjoyable weekend and we drank quite a bit. Now, here's what none of you know. When I got back to my home in Jersey that sunday, I hopped in the shower and lo and behold what do I find attached to the left side of my torso? A TICK!! Apparently Pineapples lives in a tick infested area. I'm still trying to figure out how I got a tick in that exact spot? It was on the left side of my torso above the belt line (on one of my spare tires). I didn't go jumping into brush that weekend and I spent most of the weekend indoors, or at a stadium, or in a bar. A wikipedia search tells me that ticks actually don't jump, that's a myth. SO how in the fuck did a tick get under my shirt and nestle right there? I don't know. So anyways, with the help of some tweezers and some vasoline, the tick went into history. I was concerned for a few days but nothing ever developed at the site and it completely slipped my mind...until four days ago. I was showering and while lathering up my hand passed over some swelling. At that point, I suddenly remembered the tick! My dad was due to arrive in San Jose the next day (yeah, pops is here too on a little vacation), so I called him up, told him, and said I'd wait for him to arrive before I went to a doctor. After all, how much worse could the swelling get in only one day? That wasn't good thinking, because the swelling turned into a rash and it started getting sore to the touch. My dad arrived late because he missed a connection so we didn't go to the doctor that day, but I figured I could wait one more day. NOT A GOOD IDEA!! The rash the next morning tripled in size and started causing a lot of pain. I could describe what it looked like, but I don't want to gross you guys out and I thought about putting a picture up, but I'll spare you. Bottom line is that about a 5 inch rash on my left torso looks like it came from the movie the Exorcist. The doctor I saw took a look at it and said it looked like herpes at first!! HERPES!!! I told her about the tick and luckily she was from the east coast because ticks are rare in california and she diagnosed me with a Lyme rash which is not Lyme disease, but it can turn into it if not treated. I got a bottle of specialized antibiotics which I was hoping would have an Oxycontin-like effect on me, but unfortunately no. The medication I'm on has one side affect...I'm supposed to avoid sunlight because apparently this medicine turns skin into a sun sponge. I told the doctor that my skin already absorbs sun like crazy, herego the tan. She told me that I need to wear tons of sunblock if I ever go out and to always wear a hat. I have a month's supply which I need to finish so that means that I can't play in the sun for pretty much my entire vacation. Last night was probably the worst night of my life. Imagine trying to sleep and every time you move a muscle, it feels like a red hot poker is being shoved into your rib cage. I stayed up all night just trying to lay perfectly still and sleep which I could not do, therefore no sleep. I've been up for about 35 hours straight; I'm tired, cranky, and in severe pain every time I take a breath. This medication should start helping in about 3 or 4 days the doc said. So my vacation is fucked. I'm of no use at my family's company now because I can't even walk without wincing. So, how's everything going with you guys?

P.S. I saw Superman Returns a few days ago and I will post my review of it later today. Short Summary: Don't waste your money.


Tags: Life Sucks

"Meet the new boss, Same as the old boss...*"

This is the arrogant, USA only, imperialistic, "our way should be the only way" shit that really pisses me off. Here's the first few paragraphs from an article from cnn.com:

WASHINGTON (CNN) -- The U.S. should have assistance in Cuba within weeks of President Fidel Castro's death to support a transitional government and help move the country toward democracy, a government report recommends.

The report was prepared by the Commission for Assistance to a Free Cuba, an interagency group co-chaired by Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice and Commerce Secretary Carlos Gutierrez, a Cuban-American.

President Bush created the commission in 2003 to "help hasten and ease Cuba's democratic transition," according to its Web site.

The report, obtained by CNN in advance of its scheduled release next week, is billed as a strategic plan to promote democracy on the island once Castro is no longer in power.



"Ease Cuba'a democratic transition." Isn't that what we're supposed to be doing in Iraq? Look how well that is going. This is Bush arrogance at its worst. Does he really think that Castro doesn't have a plan for Cuba. Cuba will stay socialist unless their own people rise up and create democracy which is the ONLY way a country should transition their government (see Iraq). If their own citizenry rebelled and created a democracy on their own ans then asked us for help, then by all means let's do it. This report sounds like "Bay of Pigs II." Do people think that Cuba was always an evil communist power? Cuba was capitalist at one point, but the people tired of being America's whore, with their own government bowing down to every American business demand as well as extreme mafia influence. Whether their system of government is right or wrong is not the issue here; the issue is whether a separate nation (like the USA) has a right to meddle into their affairs and try to force a governmental system simply for their imperialistic needs. True, Cuba would be a great tourist attraction, but we don't need to strut in their and overthrow their way of life to do that. Here's a simple solution for Bush: LET IT GO!!!!! The Soviet Union has collapsed. There's no threat of invasion from Cuba. There's no threat of a world power putting missles on their island. They're not slaughtering people by the hundreds of thousands every year (see Sudan), they're not forcing starvation on thier people (see Somalia), they're not embroiled in a deadly civil war (see Liberia and the Ivory Coast), they're not creating a militaristic system of rigid personal control that borders eerily on the novel 1984 (see North Korea), they're just existing under a different system of economics and government than we have and yet Bush sees this small island country as a object of a strategic military plan?! Do something about the other countries listed above where our help is needed!!! This has been a pissing match between one old man and a succession of old men. Castro shares as much blame for this standoff as our presidents do, but we hold the key. We could lift the embargo at any time and it would not hurt our economy, only help it. This is pretty much a guarantee that once Castro dies, we'll be involved in another war, and odds are that the Iraq war won't even be over by the time Castro dies. Two wars at the same time......fighting in two fronts and stretching out your military as thin as Kate Moss.....will someone ask Hitler how that ends up?


* - the title is a lyric from "Won'tGet Fooled Again" by the Who



Tags: Cuba