Tuesday, February 26, 2008

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Friday, December 28, 2007

2007 in Review: An Airing of Grievances


Father Time, that bastard, has let yet another year eclipse and still so many battles being fought. The battles over our own hubris in the Middle East, the battles over which type of Jesus is the real Jesus, battles over script writers and movie studios, battles over Mr. Brittany Spears and Mrs. Brittany Spears, and battles over me and the ushers of a certain Southern Baptist Church. Many plot lines open at the beginning of the year remain unresolved and many new jars of bullshit have been strewn open. Lets look back at some notable highlights of the year.

1) IOWA SHOULD NOT EVER …. EVER be important:

For some reason, the presidential race for an election to be held in November 2008 began in June 1987. The 48 round boxing match has already had some victims. Valiant politico Tom Tancredo just couldn’t sap his stamina for a 3 year race, most knowing he is like a dwarf, a sprinter and very deadly over short distances. For some reason, the grizzled hobbit, UFO spotting Dennis Kucinich is still a democratic contender; whereas Alaska Senator Mike Grabel has withdrawn. The most interesting story of course is not who has dropped out, but who still carries a torch.

From my humble point of view, the following issues “should be” extremely important in the upcoming election as they are extremely vital to the future of our nation:

  1. We are in wars in two countries and rattling our sabers at the cream to that Middle East Oreo Iran. What are our goals? Who should be in charge/responsible? How are we going to pay for this? Why are we still shouting at Iran when the NIE (yes, it is a FOX NEWS link) proved Bush has been lying for two whole years? ….again.
  2. How are we going to pay for a war that is estimated to cost us 2-3 trillion dollars without “raising taxes?
  3. How are we going to pay off the $9,000,000,000,000.00 debt this administration has incurred without “raising taxes?”
  4. What are we going to do about the 18+ million illegal immigrants in this country?
  5. How are we going to repair our image and morale high ground which has been absolutely trashed by the current administration?
  6. What steps should we take to protect our future by beginning to think about Global Warming?
  7. Who is going to do something about Social Security which appears like it is totally going to bone people of my generation? (too bad we don’t vote)

This takes me to the topic of this thread, why in the great name of fuck is Iowa important? I’lltell you why it shouldn’t be. Instead of debating any of the issues above with any degree of seriousness, the leading Republicans are arguing about what brand name of Jesus is real and why those “wicked gays” shouldn’t be married!? The Democrats aren’t faring much better having to wear gold clocks and grills to prove just how “black” they really are. Obama showed up an hour late to a press conference just to prove how serious he is. While the only thing that emerges from the dog pile unscathed is John Edwards’ flawless haircut. They are doing this in Iowa, a meaningless state full of meaningless people (sorry Christina if you read this) and pandering to a portion of the country which is entirely unrepresentative of the general population. This system of going to Iowa and then to New Hampshire weeds out what this country needs most, a moderate candidate. The fringes of both parties have to be preached to and the most radical candidates emerge, serving only as a hindrance to the growth and wealth of our country. Is it to anyone’s surprise that Mike Huckabee, a Southern Baptist preacher and hunter is leading in Iowa? These issues which they’ll tell you are important are meaningless in the bigger picture of our country. We have invaded 2 countries in 2 years and are trying to go after a third! We are looking at a 14 figure number for national debt! Isn’t that a little more important than whether you’re a hunter? Isn’t that a little more important than subsidizing corn?

The scope of this process in Iowa is sickening as well. The process has been going on for a matter of months, not weeks and most Americans are sick of it. I’m sick of Huckabee and Romney going back and forth about which “Jesus” is real… HOW DOES THAT AFFECT AMERICA!? I’m sick of people attacking Hillary Clinton for having a vagina …. SO DOES 50% OF AMERICA!!! I’m sick of John McCain having to become a sell out to win votes. I’m sick of Giuliani saying 9/11 when he orders coffee. I’m sick of looking at Tom Tancredo’s face (did Quato from Total Recall have a son?). I’m sick of people clapping for Ron Paul who clearly is insane (if you don’t believe this, what flavor was the kool-aid he gave you?). The good news is, I have just under a year left of all of it! Primaries should be held in the most populous states first if we are going to continue this archaic Electoral College process, not fringe farmer infested states.

2) Politicians are Politicians… Scientists are Scientists

The best politicians around convinced the kings and queens of Portugal that the Earth was flat, so I guess it’s a good thing Christopher Columbus went to Spain to get a second opinion. Religion and politics have gone hand in hand in destroying/discrediting scientific truths and it is happening again today. In my time spent in the Southern parts of the United States, never have I found a collective group of people who are so confidant of their ignorance. I blame these “red states” for putting a president in office who refutes two current scientific truths to protect his base from some mythical “liberal” beast which most educated people would call reality. These two scientific theories are evolution and global warming.

Ironically, the basic foundation for any theory of evolution was discovered by a German Monk in the 1800’s. The theory was further developed as most people know by Charles Darwin. For some reason, this is a topic which “religious” people have a huge problem with. If we did in fact, evolve from less advanced forms, then there could be no creation (we’ll just disregard the idea that creation could still be a part of this model); therefore, the Bible is inaccurate and the sky is going to fall on our heads. When I talk to people about this in the south, they mutter “well… look at a watch and how complex its pieces are, clearly it was designed and didn’t just happen! Such is the human body!” They proceed to walk away as if they had just won the pumpkin pie eating contest with a whole helping of smug on their face. I then say… “guess what buddy, that watch was a sun dial two thousand years ago.” pwnd.

Although, evolution isn’t as “political” a topic as global warming, it serves as a lever to the fulcrum of idiocy. By attempting to discredit scientists on this theory, politicians hope they can cast enough doubts in the minds of their sheep about the credibility of such “liberal” scientists and create their own panel of “trusted academics.” Just like I can find a guy with an MD to say on TV that by taking this simple pill for 6 months I will get six pack abs, I can find people with PhD’s to say that the Bible’s story of creation is real. The same type of person accepts both, muppets. If you think for one second that Moses rode a Dinosaur, cover yourself with diesel fuel and smoke a cigarette, hey at least you’ll get to see Jesus sooner than you thought! By discrediting what 98.9% of biologists accept, politicians have been able to cast doubt in unbiased sources of scientific debate and thus use their own twisted research as proof.

This modification of scientific findings happens quite often. The Bush Administration was caught with their pants down again, this time for forcing scientists to change the wording and findings of certain papers discussing global warming. The scientists in question resigned immediately and went straight to the press, luckily for Bush no one cared. So why would our government have such a problem with global warming? Simple answer is greed. It would cost “certain people” too much to make our country a greener country so lets just not even try. We’d rather spend money on convincing you that this is not happening and the people that are trying to tell you it is are immoral, child molesting deviants. Let’s just ignore the fact that the innovation required to make our nation’s industries more environmentally friendly could in fact be a huge industry in and of itself.

Instead of talk about ways to make our nation more energy efficient, we talk about ending our dependence on foreign oil as the sole way to make our country more “environmentally sound” and, in turn, bone the terrorists. Some nimrod in the administration made the connection that doing this will stomp out terrorists because “most of our oil comes from the Middle East”…. WRONG. This may be surprising to most of you, but Saudi Arabia accounts for about 15% of our oil usage in this country. The US supplies a little more than 40% of our oil, Canada is next, then Mexico proportionately. Saudi Arabia barely is ahead of Venezuela in oil imports in America. So no, yet another misuse of numbers for political ends. Even if you include Iraq in this figure the percentage hinges at ~20%. 20% most.

Global warming is as Al Gore defined it, an inconvenient truth. It is happening, it is our fault, at this stage I don’t believe anything can be done to stop it; but, I do believe it can be slowed. Yet the generation in charge which is so worried about their children, love to just bone them with every chance they get. How are we going to pay back 9 trillion dollars? Leave us with a dead social security system that will bone us? Destroy our planet so our children won’t have the gifts we’ve had? Well, as long as you can expand that 42” waist at the local all you can eat buffet, who gives a fuck right?

I find it the most ironic that the “religious right” is so adamantly against anyone who says anything about global warming. Isn’t the earth a gift from god? Don’t you refuse to drink caffeine to protect your body as a gift from god? What’s the fucking difference? I guess they believe that Jesus is coming soon so they better look busy. Religion does not belong in our government, our founders knew this and made rules against it. “Hey there Mister, our founders were very religious people and all were Christians!” Yeah, they also used leaches to suck out the devil inside that was giving them diarrhea…

Take home message is, I have no problem with religious people, just don’t force your ignorance on me. The same group of people that are forcing their ignorance on us humiliated a man for saying the Earth isn’t the center of the Universe… whoops guess you were wrong their too. Don’t manipulate science fact into science fiction in attempts to prove your point. The Earth is warming: fact. It has continued exponentially over the last century: fact. Carbon Dioxide in our atmosphere reflects heat back to the surface: fact. Global Carbon Dioxide levels have increased over 10 fold in the last century: fact. “The Flintstones” is not a documentary: fact.

3) Please: Stop Giving Brittany Spears Money!

If you’ve ever bought a Hillary Duff, Hannah Montana, or Nick Carter CD and aren’t a 12 year old girl, just stop reading because you should be busy doing other things like slitting your wrists, chugging drano, or something more conducive to the way you wish to conduct your life. Brittany Spears is sitting in her multimillion dollar pleasure palace laughing at EVERYONE. Did you see her at the MTV Video awards? Her big chance to “make a comeback” was just slammed by everyone; yet, her newest cookie cutter album sold ~1.5 million copies. STOP FUCKING GIVING HER MONEY. The bear is fat, rabies infested, but if you keep throwing it pork chops, he’s not going anywhere. This also leads to another perennial problem: Kevin Federline. Only you can prevent Federline.

4) Stop Pretending Reality TV is Good Entertainment

American Idol is coming back around for a eleventy billionth season and will undoubtedly be the most watched show in America while it is running. America loves mindless entertainment more than down syndrome kids love Velcro. Unfortunately, this has led to America’s next top ________ and it’s plethora of spinoffs. VH1 exists purely on this type of TV and following around B,C,D, and sometimes even Taco Bell grade meat celebrities. Our minds are being numbed by this idiotic form of entertainment. Do I watch these shows? You’re god damn right I do. Do I hate myself for doing so? You’re god damn right I do! Unfortunately, there really isn’t much else on TV these days. This is because, anytime a decent thought provoking show comes through the pipeline, it is destroyed in the ratings by America’s Next Shoe Salesman! Fox stopped airing the smartest show in network TV (Arrested Development) so it could air more of the racist (be honest with yourself) 24, When Bee’s Attack, America’s Next Top Fluffer, and The Sanjaya’s! reality show. Most “smart” shows are on the movie channels. Showtime and HBO have some of the best television on TV that most people just can’t afford to watch. Although, Entourage… seriously they knew Sex in the City was great for girls so they just re-wrote the show and replaced every girl thing in the script with a dude thing. Do you really think Marky Mark is that creative? If you have a problem with that last statement, ask yourself how much Ax Bodyspray you have while you’re reading your Maxim Magazine (male Cosmo). Stop watching these shows or sooner or later that’s all TV is going to be and it’s my/your/our fault!

Whelp, that is my Festivus airing of grievances. Feel free to leave me hateful comments.

Wednesday, May 16, 2007

Gas & Stupid People

So May 15th came and went. Thank fucking god. I'm referring to the National Do Not Buy Gas Day and more importantly to the annoying emails and text messages I got all weekend. You know the one I'm talking about.
“Do not buy gas on May 15, 2007. In April 1997, there was a ‘gas out’ conducted nationwide in protest of gas prices. Gasoline dropped 30 cents a gallon overnight… There are 73,000,000-plus Americans currently on the internet network, and the average car takes about $30 to $50 to fill up. If all users did not go to the pump on the 15th, it would take $2,292,000,000 out of the rich oil company’s pockets for just one day. So please do not go to the gas station on May 15, and let’s try to put a dent in the Middle Eastern oil industry for at least one day.”
First and foremost ... "Internet network?" Uh... that's like saying Yankees fans are a nuisance irritation. The Internet is the network fuck nuts.

Second... 73,000,000 American on this internet network? With a recent Pew research study stating that 77% of 18-29 year olds, 75% of 30-49 year olds, 58% of 50-64 year olds, and 22% of 65-death year olds are on the net. My guess is any kid old enough to play Nintendo is on the net, coupled with a population of over 300,000,000 people, the number should be around 150,000,000 or more for people on the "internet network."

Third, let's assume 73,000,000 Americans are on the net and we get all of them to not buy gas on May 15th, it's not going to cost them $2.292 billion. Why? Ok, so who reading this blog actually fills up their tank every day of the week? Um... not me. I have a normal commute, a midsize sedan, and I fill up about once a week. Let's put that me as the average. So, I drive about 15,000 miles a year and I average between the city and highway about 24 mpg (about 20 in the city, and 31 on the highway). Doing simple math, I use 625 gallons of gas a year. My tank holds 16.4 gallons but I typically fill up with about 1.5 gallons left so lets say I refill every 15 gallons. That means I refill 41.67 times year or every 8.75 days. For sake of an argument I'll round down to 8 days. So using this math, only one in eight people will fill up per day. So 73,000,000 people just became 9,125,000 and $2,292,000,000 just became $365,000,000 -- A big vast difference.

And now here's comes the biggest flaw of logic. The oil companies are not actually losing $365,000,000. Why? Because you'll end up just refilling the day before or day after this "boycott." The monthly average will still be the same and the oil companies are just laughing at you. And I say "boycott" in quotations on purpose. A real boycott requires actual sacrifice. Re-arranging the day you buy gas is not sacrifice. Sacrifice is moving closer to work, riding your bike more, buying a more fuel efficient vehicle. "Boycotting" for one day may make you feel better but it doesn't actually do a damn thing.

And to people who say "but lets just boycott Exxon-Mobil," you're foolish as well. You see gas prices are at $3 a gallon because of the laws of Supply & Demand. Gas prices increase because the cost of a barrel of oil increases. That is because the demand for the product has increased. Exxon-Mobil and other companies do not control the cost of oil. And to others who say they make too much. Yes they made about $36 billion last year on a total revenue of $328 billion. $36 billion sounds like a lot but that's simply only 11%. Most companies like to have a profit of 10-12%. That's normal for a good, stable company. 11% is not ridiculous. In contrast, Citigroup profits were 20.5% (24.64/120.24 billion), Altria posts profits of 15% (10.41/68.92 billion) and yet people don't complain about corporate profits when buying Kraft Mac & Cheese.

And more importantly adjusted for inflation, the increase in the cost of gas has risen steadily since before the time of Jesus. I believe adjusted gas was most expensive in 1981, not now. So stop complaining. Here's a chart of the last 35 years adjusted for inflation:

(Ignore the red circles. I made this chart for another article about GM's stock price in relation to gas prices. You can find that here)

Sure there's a steep climb since 2003 but hmm... haven't we been fighting a war in the area we get our oil from since 2003? Hmm... maybe that's it and not the oil companies fault. That's like blaming Hershey's when they raise prices because the price of Cacao from South America skyrockets. Or let's of course ignore the fact that this decade has seen an enormous middle class surge in India, China, and other third world countries. Take a look at the auto industry. Everyone is investing in China (where GM (mainly Buick) is #1 and VW is a close second) and India many times more than in any other part of the country. A growing middle class has meant another enormous surge in the demand for oil. Get a clue you idiots.

Furthermore, "boycotting" the figure head company in a market doesn't do shit. Let's say we all boycott Exxon-Mobil and nobody buys their gas. Sure the demand for their gas will drop, supply will go up and their prices will fall. But nobody is buying their gas so it won't matter. But here's the kicker, with Exxon-Mobil not selling any gas, every other company will be selling more. These companies will have the same supply but have an increased demand and thus they will raise prices. This problem will escalate until people realize the problem and start buying gas at Exxon Mobil again and the market will settle back down. Point of the story, you'll end up paying more during the boycott for no gain.

The root of the gas problem is demand. Demand is going up every year. The only way to decrease demand is to lower your usage but people don't want to do that. Therefore I suggest that we bomb China, India, Canada, Northeast Jersey (just because), Sicily (because I'm sick of people telling me how cool they are because they're Sicilian -- guess what... I don't care) and Ohio (who really lives there anyway?). Eliminating these areas and others will decrease demand, increase supply, and lower the price of a barrel of oil on the open market. Or we could reduce our consumption... but then again that's not exactly the American way.

Either way though, stop stuffing my inbox with stupid boycotts that have absolutely no chance of doing a goddamn thing.

Oh, and I bought gas on May 15th just in spite of all you dumb fucks.

Stupid people make me lose faith in humanity.

Tuesday, April 17, 2007

Tragedy to Politics:

The events that occurred Monday morning in Blacksburg, Virginia are absolutely terrible. So terrible that I thought we, as a country, would at least have some respect for those whose lives were taken for at least several days before the politicizing of this tragedy occurred. Like so many times when I give humanity the benefit of the doubt, I was dead wrong. Just hours after the shootings, while bodies are still laying in dorm rooms, the blame game began. Everyone is to blame of course, violent video games, gun control laws, lack of metal detectors in schools, our decaying morality, and probably even global warming.

The finger pointing began at noon for me when I tuned to my “favorite” pundit Rush “Rx” Limbaugh. As the first hour of information and solace passed, it flew into a blame game. First on the chopping block were violent video games. Clearly the millions and millions of college students around the country who have played a “violent video game” (this definition probably involves everything other than Bible Adventure) and not shot up a school are clearly in the minority. Then our declining social and moral fabric was under attack and before I could have an aneurism, I tuned out. On CNN later that day people were appalled over the lack of oversight in our gun control laws and demanded more security at schools including metal detectors.

What everyone in the country needs to realize is that this was a tragedy involving an extremely troubled individual. The human brain is so complex that the possibility of just “snapping” exists within all of us and just the descriptions of how he went from classroom to classroom shooting people clearly indicates that he snapped and had extreme psychological and emotional problems. Would gun control laws have prevented this? Honestly? No. Someone who is that “prepared” for what he was going to do would have went to the black market if gun control laws were more strict and what do you think would have been right beside a 9mm or a shotgun on the black market? I would guess the world’s favorite gun, the AK-47, or maybe even an Uzi which would have caused much more damage. What about metal detectors? As described, this man was locking people in buildings to up his horrific tally so what would a beeping wall done to him? I would guess, make him shoot any security guard and walk through and carry out his plan.

We are always quick to blame situations and circumstances when usually the easiest explanation, although providing no comfort in this case, is usually the correct one. The young man clearly just snapped. The scale of his act suggests that little protective action could have prevented something so chaotic and barbaric. In this day and age of polarized politics, people are so corrupt and immoral that they jump on this and try and spin it to their advantage when we really should just be thinking about the families involved. It happened, now we need to cope with it, not blame everything under the sun besides the person who did it which is where all the blame needs to lie.

Thursday, February 22, 2007

Dumb, Dumb, Dumb Evangelicals

I don’t really like to throw the word ignorant around too much, well… that’s a lie and beside the point. For the sake of argument, I’ll just assume that there is no better word to describe how intolerably fucking “ignorant” some people can be. Recently, one of my roommates stumbled onto a documentary on HBO called “Friends of God” which made me want to arm myself with my “Flame Thrower of Justice” and go do some real work. This documentary highlighted, through many examples, how Evangelical Christians live and what they believe, with many of these statements coming from videotaped sermons and from personal confessions. I really don’t care if you believe one thing or another, let me set that straight; but, when you tell your children something so…… so….. I gotta take a break, I almost had an aneurism…. blatantly, scientifically, and obviously wrong and idiotic as “Dinosaurs are in the Bible and lived alongside people and here’s proof! Don’t believe those “evil scientists!”” I just want to eject you from the planet.

For most Christians, they have been willing to accept the fact that the earth is not 6000 years old and there were organisms living on this planet before us (mainly due to the MILLIONS of pieces of evidence that support that idea). Fortunately, for the sake of comedy, there does exist a sizable portion of the Evangelical movement who DOES believe the world is 6000 years old and dinosaurs roamed the Earth with man. I won’t waste time refuting the heaps and heaps and tons and tons and fucking shit heap tons of evidence supporting the fact that the Earth isn’t 6000 years old; instead, I purely want to highlight how ignorant you have to be to think that Dinosaurs lived alongside men.

In this documentary, there was a projectile vomit inducing scene where a “pastor” was in front of an audience of 1000’s of children, including parents, highlighting how clearly this one paragraph describes a dinosaur. That’s right…. one………uno paragrapho from the Bible is used to demonstrate how it is stated therein that these “gentle giants” lived among us.

The verse in question is Job 40:15-24:

“15 Behold now behemoth, which I made with thee; he eateth grass as an ox.16 Lo now, his strength [is] in his loins, and his force [is] in the navel of his belly.17 He moveth his tail like a cedar: the sinews of his stones are wrapped together. 18 His bones [are as] strong pieces of brass; his bones [are] like bars of iron.19 He [is] the chief of the ways of God: he that made him can make hissword to approach [unto him].20 Surely the mountains bring him forth food, where all the beasts of the field play.21 He lieth under the shady trees, in the covert of the reed, and fens.22 The shady trees cover him [with] their shadow; the willows of the brookcompass him about.23 Behold, he drinketh up a river, [and] hasteth not: he trusteth that hecan draw up Jordan into his mouth. 24 He taketh it with his eyes: [his] nose pierceth through snares. “

CASE CLOSED! Clearly this describes a Dinosaur and not an Elephant or a Hippopotamus, you know, something that would be “believable.” Clearly the 10’s of 1000’s of species of Dinosaurs which Archaeologists have unearthed just really don’t deserve mentioning anywhere in the Bible. When 68 Bible verses from the Old Testament alone contain descriptions and/or mention donkeys…. clearly none of them thought a predator the size of Metallica’s Tour Bus was noteworthy (T-Rex). It’s like these people are told the sky is red so many times that they not only believe it but they think you’re an idiot for thinking its blue! I would challenge ANY “Evangelical” to prove to me that Dinosaurs lived alongside humans without sighting SUPER vague Bible verses and maybe some, I know, I know it’s the devil but “scientific (by this I mean, testable, quantifiable observations/examinations) evidence” proving their point. Fortunately, this would be as difficult for them as me trying to pry crystal meth out of Ted Haggard’s hands.

Thursday, February 01, 2007

How Inept Can A City Be?

Boston: Fucking Idiot-ville USA. I can’t believe that a police force/FBI/DHS shut down a whole god damn city because of an advertising campaign. If they actually asked anyone on the street between the ages of 15-25 a sizable majority of them would have said, “Chillax (yeah they say that in Boston) man, dat’s (yeah they say that in Boston) just some fucking cartoon man.” The second I saw the “bomb scare material” I laughed out loud (lol’d, they don’t say that in Boston) at the idea that someone would think that was a bomb. I even thought in my head how this whole thing went down.


-Bunch of teenagers walk by Ignignot (2-D Mooninite) and giggle as he flips them off.

-Stoners walk by and laugh for 20 minutes on how an ATHF character is on the street in Boston.

-45 year old soccer mom walks by and, after throwing the half-eaten portion of her gallon of Clam Chowdaeeeh (yeah, they say that in Boston) and her flabby ass arms up in the air she screams “ OH MY LAAAAUUUD (lord) IT’S A BAAAAAAAHHHHMMMM (bomb).” She then proceeds to use a pen to dial 911 (because her fingers are so fat that when she dials she punches 4 numbers at once) and inform them. The cops show up and since they don’t do any real “investigating” declared this a bomb:

Good fucking police work. I know what that is, I watch the show. I’m sure others watch the show, it’s not that obscure. So you say shame on Time Warner, I say shame on you Boston.

Wednesday, January 31, 2007


Courtesy of Autoblog, I have a video to share with you all today. It's a video of soldiers somewhere in Iraq navigating traffic. Enjoy.

Shocked? Well, think of it this way. If they stop and sit in the traffic, the soldiers become a sitting duck target for an idiot with an IED. So... would you want to be polite and sit in traffic? Nope? Neither would I. I mean... it's not a polite thing to do and probably pisses off a lot of Iraqis but if it keeps you AND them alive I suppose its understandable. It's saves them because many more Iraqis get killed when IEDs go off in urban areas than soldiers do. I'll put it to you this way... would you want to be in your car stuck in traffic in front or behind a US Military HUMVEE? Once again, neither would I.

Besides, think of it this way. What would you do if you saw a speeding HUMVEE behind you with a 0.50 caliber machine mounted on it, and blaring it's horn? Personally, I'd pull over before he tried to bump me off the road.

My favorite part has got to be when the driver bumps the bus. Of course... isn't this what bumpers are for... you know... bumping?

Friday, January 26, 2007


Just another piece of evidence proving that you can be a dumbass and still make lots of money in the music business. Akon, or otherwise known as Aliaune Damala Bouga Time Puru Nacka Lu Lu Lu Badara Akon Thiam (yes, that's his actual name), is just a giant dumbass.

You'd think that a rapper putting an album out would double check what he was saying so he didn't sound like an idiot but no, not Akon. You see, in his latest song Smack That, Akon mispronounces the name of Lamborghini's newest car, the Gallardo. Here's the lyric.
I feel you creepin', I can see you from my shadow.
Wanna jump up in my Lamborghini Gallardo.
Maybe go to my place and just kick it, like Taebo.
And possibly bend you over.
Instead of pronouncing it correctly as Gui-yar-do, genius Akon says Ga-lar-do. This wouldn't be so bad except for the fact that he owns one, drives it daily and tells everybody about it. It's an orange one to boot. Doesn't he know that all Lamborghini's should be yellow? At the very least though, you'd think that the local Lamborghini dealer would have "smacked that" and made him say it right when he was buying it. Guess not.

Get a clue Akon.

Wednesday, January 24, 2007


So now that I've graduated, its time to think of what to do about grad school. Should I start immediately? I think that's pretty obvious. I'm not married. I don't have any kids and well, I have too much time on my hands right now. So, it's definitely time to go back to school.

The problem I'm having is not where to go but what to study. I know I eventually want my MBA maybe with a Management, Finance, or Economics focus but that's down the line. Right now, I want to go back to school for something technical. The obvious choice is a M.Eng. or M.S. in Mechanical Engineering, but is it?

I just started my career and have no idea where its going to go. I spoke to my supervisor about this and when he asked me where I saw myself... I didn't have an answer. Hell, I don't even know if the aerospace industry is where I want to stay let alone if I want to stay in test engineering or move to reliability, design, manufacturing, or into engineering management.

So without knowing all of this, how can one choose a program to study? Areas that I'm considering are Mechanical Engineering, Industrial Engineering, or a custom Engineering Science program that focuses on Quality, Decision Making and Engineering Systems. The E. Sci degree is interesting and could be useful but wouldn't an MBA with a management focus cover all of this? So that keeps making me lean back to Mechanical Engineering. But, do I really want to do that?

The question that I keep asking myself is "will an M.Eng. be marketable for me." The reason I doubt its marketability is because I definitely see myself going into project management. I don't see myself being a lab rat my entire career but being a lab rat is something that I can see myself enjoying for the next ten years.

I think any of the choices I'm thinking about are good so it all comes down to making a decision and sticking with it.

Ugh... school sucks.


Tuesday, January 23, 2007


Here are two great Dilbert cartoons that succinctly illustrate how I feel when people me to help them with their computer problems.

People who ask for help and don't want to learn annoy me the most. If I'm going to help, I expect you to pay attention and learn something because I don't want to help you again for the same reason. The "I don't care what happened or how to fix it... just do it" attitude and mentality pisses me off. If you knew how you broke it, you wouldn't have broken it in the first place. Get a clue.


Thursday, January 18, 2007

American Idol: Microcosm for America

American Idol is the most popular show in America and in most parts of the world (there are other countries versions' like “Pop-Star, El Musico-La Staro, whatever”). Why you may ask? Some people find it entertaining, which I have no problem with. I have a problem with the people who watch this show and make it their “dream of dreams” or their “life goals" and I have a problem with anyone who considers the winners of American Idol "musicians."

Last night’s episode and episodes of the first rounds in previous seasons had/has truck loads of these born losers. For example, there was a guy last night who quit his job to come and try out. Wow, what a sacrifice right? Later, you are informed he quit his job as a “gasoline attendant” to drive to Seattle to try out. Damn man, good luck breaking back into that market. What a sacrifice you made, hope you don’t have any kids to feed. If you need a reference on how quickly you threw that 17.4 gallons of 87 into my tank while you squeegeed my windshield, let me know man. Seriously, eat a shot gun shell and save humanity a lot of grey hairs.

As I'm watching the first rounds with other people, everyone sits around saying “this guy/girl can’t be for real” enough times that they actually convince themselves that these people are joking. Clearly, some of these people are joking but I would venture to say 98% of them are dead fucking serious, and that fucking scares me more than clowns do. They come in with their overweight, downsyndrome-esque swagger and chat up Paula while knocking Simon’s musical knowledge (What does Simon know? He only created the most popular show on TV… but also was more or less a massive loser before creating albums for the Power Rangers and Tele-tubbies, so… guess they’re right) setting them up for an even bigger fall. They proceed to tell “Yo Dawg” (I forgot the other dude’s name) how it has been their life long dream to be on this show and they are in fact, the next American Idol. Luckily, this is usually followed by the most horrible rendition of some shitty pop song which makes me want to have a stroke on the sofa.

After they are mercifully cut off by the judges, we get to watch my personal favorite part of the show, the part where their smile turns up-side down and they realize, through very honest criticism that they are truly horrific. Some say that “oh but I’ve taken chorus in high school,” “ I’ve taken 14 years of vocal training,” “Oh I’m sick today, I’m usually much better,” all to no avail. As they leave the audition they even look like they were cheated out of their dream by the judges. DEEElusional.

So, how is this show a microcosm for America? Remember when I said my friends convince themselves that these people aren’t real? They are VERY real and are unfortunately all over America. Instead of having dreams like, oh let’s start small, graduating high school (see Gasoline Attendant man), they have dreams of being that 1 in a million people who spend one afternoon of their life doing something to make it big. I’m just assuming that they would never, lets start a little bigger, apply for a loan to go to college, try to make themselves more attractive in the job market, hell…. read a book!? America wants to be famous, it’s our cultural desire to be fabulous and in the public eye.

Where are the people who dream to be a doctor, carpenter, teacher, you know something beneficial for society? They are far outnumbered by losers who will just do the bare minimum to get by and convince themselves daily that this one time they belted out Mr. Mister Kyrie Elaison in the shower and “hit” all the notes was the best moment of their life and if only Simon, Paula, and “Yo Dawg” where there then, they’d be in. And, like in the show, they blame 100 things that prevent them from succeeding in normal life instead of blaming their lack of talent/effort. Have you ever seen anyone come out of the audition room going “Damn, I really am fucking terrible, what the hell was I thinking?” Every time I’ve seen it, it’s always, “those judges don’t know wtf they are doing/thinking,” “I’ll be famous some day, you wait,” “I can’t believe they didn’t pick me, I should have sang another song.” If one person came out of there saying, “Holy Fuck, I’m terrible, I’m going to go back to my day job and stay there” I might actually have some faith in America; unfortunately, this won’t be the case anytime soon.

On a sort of sidebar, I don’t want anyone to think that being a musician isn’t a good goal. Culture is a very important part of society and music plays a role in defining that; however, the people that set the cultural heart beat aren’t no-talent losers who just jumped off a train and fell into a platinum album bin. Additionally, American Idol also erodes any cultural significance modern music might have had. A musician by my definition is someone who can write songs, and good ones, while singing or playing a musical instrument with some complexity/skill. Any muppet can sit back and pen a stupid song about love or how much “bling” you have, serious musicians like James Taylor, Mos Def, Sufjan Stevens, Fleetwood Mac, The Beatles, Dr. Dre, and Metallica (a brief list don’t make me write down every influential band/performer, go sit on a fire hydrant instead of leaving me a comment on how I forgot/included x.y.z) define eras and change the style of future musicians. No one is ever going to look back and say, wow…. that Clay Aiken really changed the way people look at music. Even the most popular Idol, Kelly Clarkson, sounds exactly like every other female pop-star of the times. There is no originality in the music and the “idols” don’t write any of the songs (I'm sure maybe one or two of them have; unfortunately, I'm not willing to call a song that includes "Love" and "Baby" 47 times genius.) or play any instruments on any of the albums so I wouldn’t classify them as musicians. They are on par with a mime on the street, they are performers. They are very good at what they do, but they are not creative or original. It bothers me when they win Grammy’s or any award for a song they didn’t write (this happens to other artists as well) and just shows how culturally, I want to say ignorant but I guess a better word is retarded, America is.

In summation, Simon Cowell is not a dumb man. He thinks in a way similar to Rupert Murdoch (creator of Fox News) that America is full of dumb, pipe dream idiots and he has made millions exploiting that cultural and intellectual weakness. He has succeeded consequently in bringing forth these idiots and put them on display in a Barnum-esque manner shocking some, entertaining others, and disturbing the rest. He has created performers who dump billions of gallons of crap into the already diluted pool of musical creativity and convinced millions that it makes for good music, and we let him do it. Kudos America, eat a shot gun shell instead of waiting in line for the next AI please.Tags:

24 is Not the Greatest Show Ever:

This may be the most unpopular blog I ever write; however, I can’t stand idly by and let people put 24 up with the greatest TV shows. If you really like 24, and/or really liked the movie “Armageddon,” you should probably stop reading here.

Fox, capitol network of sensationalism, brought you a show that… brace yourselves, takes place over every hour of a 24 hour day. If you thought the Mach 4 razor blade was an innovation, then this may have wowed your socks off as well. I can’t speak for the entire show because honestly, I haven’t seen it all; but what I have seen and heard is just Jerry Bruckenheimer, over the edge 100% of the time, in your face silly/stupid action scene, crap. Just like in the movie Armageddon, anything that can go wrong, does go wrong, PURELY for the sake of creating some pointless twist to infuse the limp story with some entirely artificial emotion. You can only twist so many times before you end up in the same direction to crapville. Fox even rubs this shit in your face in the ad campaigns for not only 24, but Prison Break (re-read entire article and throw Prison Break in place of 24 for an entirely different article on the same crappy show) “YOU’LL NEVER BELIEVE THIS TWIST,” “HOLD ON TO YOUR COCKS CUZ THIS WEEKS 24 MIGHT MAKE THEM SPLIT IN HALF AND HAVE ALIEN BABIES!” “THIS WEEKS EPISODE WILL BLOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOW YOU AWAY!” Holy fucking shit, I better buy a seat belt for my couch!! Shooting down Air Force one (ridiculous), making the president a terrorist (ridiculous), and having the most ridiculous things happen in one season is entertaining don’t get me wrong; but, it is mindless sensationalism. For the same reason no one with 2 hemispheres of operational brain can honestly say Armageddon is the best movie ever, 24 is not the greatest show ever.


Tuesday, December 12, 2006

Why Nice Guys Always Finish Last

This isn’t as much of a rant as it is social commentary. How many times have you heard a girl say “Wow, you know, I’ve dated some real assholes in my life and I just want to find a nice guy!”? Personally, I’ve heard this uttered dozens of times from hundreds of girls. It is, in fact, the biggest self-imposed lie they will ever tell themselves. A girl saying they want a “nice guy” is like me saying I want a third leg, it sounds really awesome, but what the fuck do I do with it once I have it? The truth of the matter is, there are just as many nice guys out there as there are assholes, they are just invisible to most girls. A “nice guy” isn’t as loud or obnoxious as an asshole. A “nice guy” doesn’t pop his collar and shower in cologne. A “nice guy” will walk you home after a night out and not expect anything in return, being happy purely knowing you are safe. Unfortunately, all those traits which make him “nice” also make him appear less desirable than the alternative.

Personally, I consider myself a nice guy, as I do most of my friends; that being said, the majority of us have absolutely no luck with girls. Now you may say we look like a bunch of fat trolls living under a bridge feeding off fish heads and cigarette butts; fortunately, this is not the case. The girls we try to talk to at bars, at work, around town are totally in our reach “league” wise but since we may have the slightest amount of respect for them, we find ourselves already at a sizable disadvantage. There have been times when I have been out at a bar and heard a girl utter that crystal phrase so dissected above and I would talk to her for an hour or two then go to the bathroom and, upon my return, find her making out with the guy next to me not even 3 minutes later. Sense of humor and a great conversation will be forgotten the second a “super hot” guy glances at them, thus veering from the search for a “nice guy.” Can a “super hot” guy be a nice guy? Of course they can! Would a nice “super hot” guy rip a girl away from someone else? He probably would not if he really was the “nice guy” whose club contains more or less a sense of brotherhood toward our fellow “nice guys.” Score one for the nice guy?!

To you women out there, if you are looking for this “nice guy,” my advice to you is to look around you. He’s undoubtedly right there in your circle of friends, or a neighbor, or that nice guy at the gym/grocery store/book club. Not good enough for you? Want more of a fairy tale? Well, just find comfort in the idea that he’s probably looking for you too. Quit bitching about asshole guys, please. Asshole guys will be there as long as humanity exists on this earth and they are more than happy to prey on your insecurities. Adjust your behavior and your “social radar.” You know exactly who those asshole guys are as well as us nice guys do. Girls with certain repeatable behaviors saying, “I only find assholes, or I only find creeps!” is like an 8 year old dressed up as a ghost on October 31st feeling surprised every time someone gives them candy.

Nice guys will always be a step behind, purely because they are not willing/able to do the things necessary to become an asshole knowing this is the sure way to get “the girls”; and, in not being willing/able to do said things creates both their predicament and their ambiguous advantage. Thus, the fact that you are a “nice guy” dooms you to finish last, every time, all the time.


Sunday, December 10, 2006

Apocalypto review

Mel Gibson is nothing else if not intense. The creator of the ultra-violent epic Braveheart and the de facto snuff film The Passion of the Christ has outdone himself, albeit he did it in a VERY good film. Apocalypto is a tale of the decline of the Mayan empire, but that is misleading. The setting of the film is during the period of their decilne, but this story probably could have happened at any point in their history. First of all, there are factual errors. The Mayan civilation declined in the 8th and 9th centuries AD, but there is a scene in the movie that briefly features European settlers, but they did not land in the Yucatan peninsula until the 15th century. This could be mostly symbolic and in the context of the scene, it can be scene as symbolic to the themes of the movie.
To say that this is a violent movie would be to say that Beaver Stadium holds a couple of people. The movie features human sacrifices, beatings, rapes, murder in many ways, animal slayings and animals killing people. Many Mayan descendants have conmplained this movie portrays Mayans as savages, but I think this is just knee jerk reactionary talk. Living in the 8th century would require people be savages. Living in a jungle world where anything can kill you requires a degree of moral flexibility. Despite all the savagery, there is a lot of emotion in the film. There are many displays of humor, love, and honor; all of which are admirable qualities that I feel that all groups of people have in one degree or another.
Mel Gibson has proven that he will not shy away from gore, and this movie embraces it. The camera work is beautiful and it takes full advantage of the beautiful scenery of the Yucatan jungle, which is where the movie was shot. This movie will no doubt win the Acadeny award for costume design and several technical categories. The tattoos and multiple facial piercings of the Mayans are factually accurate (thank you wikipedia) and I feel that this movie does honor the heritage of the people.
Also, I applaud Mel Gibson for using actors who are descendents of the natives. He uses the moct common dialect of the Mayans even though there were MANY different dialects, that is forgivable. The subtitles did not bother me. There are no star actors in this movie which makes the audience focus on the story as a whole and not on some dumb celebrity.
Overall, I recommend this movie to everyone, but be forewarned, this is the most violent made since....well, Mel Gibson's last movie, The Passion.


Sunday, November 26, 2006


For the past two weeks, no matter where I go I can't escape girls wearing this outfit. Penn State, Detroit, Pittsburgh... it doesn't matter. Everywhere I go, I run into girls, who otherwise would be hot, wearing this ugly ass outfit.

What the fuck is up with it and where did it come from? Sex & The City isn't on anymore so girls are no longer stealing every fashion and social idea from it so it must have been in a magazine. Most likely it was one page after a list of 101 things to turn your man on, which by the way are: 1. Feed him 2. Fuck him 3. Shut up the fuck up 4. Repeat.

But seriously, who thinks this outfit looks good? It looks fucking retarded. It looks like a mix between bad 80s fashion and Olivia Newton-John's bad girl outfit in Grease. Girls, ditch the ugly belt and switch out the red heels for black ones. You'll look much better. Or just go naked. That works too.

All girls should take fashion advice from me. I'm awesome.