2007 in Review: An Airing of Grievances

“I HAVE A LOT OF PROBLEMS WITH YOU PEOPLE!”

Father Time, that bastard, has let yet another year eclipse and still so many battles being fought. The battles over our own hubris in the Middle East, the battles over which type of Jesus is the real Jesus, battles over script writers and movie studios, battles over Mr. Brittany Spears and Mrs. Brittany Spears, and battles over me and the ushers of a certain Southern Baptist Church. Many plot lines open at the beginning of the year remain unresolved and many new jars of bullshit have been strewn open. Lets look back at some notable highlights of the year.

1) IOWA SHOULD NOT EVER …. EVER be important:

For some reason, the presidential race for an election to be held in November 2008 began in June 1987. The 48 round boxing match has already had some victims. Valiant politico Tom Tancredo just couldn’t sap his stamina for a 3 year race, most knowing he is like a dwarf, a sprinter and very deadly over short distances. For some reason, the grizzled hobbit, UFO spotting Dennis Kucinich is still a democratic contender; whereas Alaska Senator Mike Grabel has withdrawn. The most interesting story of course is not who has dropped out, but who still carries a torch.

From my humble point of view, the following issues “should be” extremely important in the upcoming election as they are extremely vital to the future of our nation:

1. We are in wars in two countries and rattling our sabers at the cream to that Middle East Oreo Iran. What are our goals? Who should be in charge/responsible? How are we going to pay for this? Why are we still shouting at Iran when the NIE (yes, it is a FOX NEWS link) proved Bush has been lying for two whole years? ….again.
2. How are we going to pay for a war that is estimated to cost us 2-3 trillion dollars without “raising taxes?
3. How are we going to pay off the $9,000,000,000,000.00 debt this administration has incurred without “raising taxes?”
4. What are we going to do about the 18+ million illegal immigrants in this country?
5. How are we going to repair our image and morale high ground which has been absolutely trashed by the current administration?
6. What steps should we take to protect our future by beginning to think about Global Warming?
7. Who is going to do something about Social Security which appears like it is totally going to bone people of my generation? (too bad we don’t vote)

This takes me to the topic of this thread, why in the great name of fuck is Iowa important? I’lltell you why it shouldn’t be. Instead of debating any of the issues above with any degree of seriousness, the leading Republicans are arguing about what brand name of Jesus is real and why those “wicked gays” shouldn’t be married!? The Democrats aren’t faring much better having to wear gold clocks and grills to prove just how “black” they really are. Obama showed up an hour late to a press conference just to prove how serious he is. While the only thing that emerges from the dog pile unscathed is John Edwards’ flawless haircut. They are doing this in Iowa, a meaningless state full of meaningless people (sorry Christina if you read this) and pandering to a portion of the country which is entirely unrepresentative of the general population. This system of going to Iowa and then to New Hampshire weeds out what this country needs most, a moderate candidate. The fringes of both parties have to be preached to and the most radical candidates emerge, serving only as a hindrance to the growth and wealth of our country. Is it to anyone’s surprise that Mike Huckabee, a Southern Baptist preacher and hunter is leading in Iowa? These issues which they’ll tell you are important are meaningless in the bigger picture of our country. We have invaded 2 countries in 2 years and are trying to go after a third! We are looking at a 14 figure number for national debt! Isn’t that a little more important than whether you’re a hunter? Isn’t that a little more important than subsidizing corn?

The scope of this process in Iowa is sickening as well. The process has been going on for a matter of months, not weeks and most Americans are sick of it. I’m sick of Huckabee and Romney going back and forth about which “Jesus” is real… HOW DOES THAT AFFECT AMERICA!? I’m sick of people attacking Hillary Clinton for having a vagina …. SO DOES 50% OF AMERICA!!! I’m sick of John McCain having to become a sell out to win votes. I’m sick of Giuliani saying 9/11 when he orders coffee. I’m sick of looking at Tom Tancredo’s face (did Quato from Total Recall have a son?). I’m sick of people clapping for Ron Paul who clearly is insane (if you don’t believe this, what flavor was the kool-aid he gave you?). The good news is, I have just under a year left of all of it! Primaries should be held in the most populous states first if we are going to continue this archaic Electoral College process, not fringe farmer infested states.

2) Politicians are Politicians… Scientists are Scientists

The best politicians around convinced the kings and queens of Portugal that the Earth was flat, so I guess it’s a good thing Christopher Columbus went to Spain to get a second opinion. Religion and politics have gone hand in hand in destroying/discrediting scientific truths and it is happening again today. In my time spent in the Southern parts of the United States, never have I found a collective group of people who are so confidant of their ignorance. I blame these “red states” for putting a president in office who refutes two current scientific truths to protect his base from some mythical “liberal” beast which most educated people would call reality. These two scientific theories are evolution and global warming.

Ironically, the basic foundation for any theory of evolution was discovered by a German Monk in the 1800’s. The theory was further developed as most people know by Charles Darwin. For some reason, this is a topic which “religious” people have a huge problem with. If we did in fact, evolve from less advanced forms, then there could be no creation (we’ll just disregard the idea that creation could still be a part of this model); therefore, the Bible is inaccurate and the sky is going to fall on our heads. When I talk to people about this in the south, they mutter “well… look at a watch and how complex its pieces are, clearly it was designed and didn’t just happen! Such is the human body!” They proceed to walk away as if they had just won the pumpkin pie eating contest with a whole helping of smug on their face. I then say… “guess what buddy, that watch was a sun dial two thousand years ago.” pwnd.

Although, evolution isn’t as “political” a topic as global warming, it serves as a lever to the fulcrum of idiocy. By attempting to discredit scientists on this theory, politicians hope they can cast enough doubts in the minds of their sheep about the credibility of such “liberal” scientists and create their own panel of “trusted academics.” Just like I can find a guy with an MD to say on TV that by taking this simple pill for 6 months I will get six pack abs, I can find people with PhD’s to say that the Bible’s story of creation is real. The same type of person accepts both, muppets. If you think for one second that Moses rode a Dinosaur, cover yourself with diesel fuel and smoke a cigarette, hey at least you’ll get to see Jesus sooner than you thought! By discrediting what 98.9% of biologists accept, politicians have been able to cast doubt in unbiased sources of scientific debate and thus use their own twisted research as proof.

This modification of scientific findings happens quite often. The Bush Administration was caught with their pants down again, this time for forcing scientists to change the wording and findings of certain papers discussing global warming. The scientists in question resigned immediately and went straight to the press, luckily for Bush no one cared. So why would our government have such a problem with global warming? Simple answer is greed. It would cost “certain people” too much to make our country a greener country so lets just not even try. We’d rather spend money on convincing you that this is not happening and the people that are trying to tell you it is are immoral, child molesting deviants. Let’s just ignore the fact that the innovation required to make our nation’s industries more environmentally friendly could in fact be a huge industry in and of itself.

Instead of talk about ways to make our nation more energy efficient, we talk about ending our dependence on foreign oil as the sole way to make our country more “environmentally sound” and, in turn, bone the terrorists. Some nimrod in the administration made the connection that doing this will stomp out terrorists because “most of our oil comes from the Middle East”…. WRONG. This may be surprising to most of you, but Saudi Arabia accounts for about 15% of our oil usage in this country. The US supplies a little more than 40% of our oil, Canada is next, then Mexico proportionately. Saudi Arabia barely is ahead of Venezuela in oil imports in America. So no, yet another misuse of numbers for political ends. Even if you include Iraq in this figure the percentage hinges at ~20%. 20% ≠ most.

Global warming is as Al Gore defined it, an inconvenient truth. It is happening, it is our fault, at this stage I don’t believe anything can be done to stop it; but, I do believe it can be slowed. Yet the generation in charge which is so worried about their children, love to just bone them with every chance they get. How are we going to pay back 9 trillion dollars? Leave us with a dead social security system that will bone us? Destroy our planet so our children won’t have the gifts we’ve had? Well, as long as you can expand that 42” waist at the local all you can eat buffet, who gives a fuck right?

I find it the most ironic that the “religious right” is so adamantly against anyone who says anything about global warming. Isn’t the earth a gift from god? Don’t you refuse to drink caffeine to protect your body as a gift from god? What’s the fucking difference? I guess they believe that Jesus is coming soon so they better look busy. Religion does not belong in our government, our founders knew this and made rules against it. “Hey there Mister, our founders were very religious people and all were Christians!” Yeah, they also used leaches to suck out the devil inside that was giving them diarrhea…

Take home message is, I have no problem with religious people, just don’t force your ignorance on me. The same group of people that are forcing their ignorance on us humiliated a man for saying the Earth isn’t the center of the Universe… whoops guess you were wrong their too. Don’t manipulate science fact into science fiction in attempts to prove your point. The Earth is warming: fact. It has continued exponentially over the last century: fact. Carbon Dioxide in our atmosphere reflects heat back to the surface: fact. Global Carbon Dioxide levels have increased over 10 fold in the last century: fact. “The Flintstones” is not a documentary: fact.

3) Please: Stop Giving Brittany Spears Money!

If you’ve ever bought a Hillary Duff, Hannah Montana, or Nick Carter CD and aren’t a 12 year old girl, just stop reading because you should be busy doing other things like slitting your wrists, chugging drano, or something more conducive to the way you wish to conduct your life. Brittany Spears is sitting in her multimillion dollar pleasure palace laughing at EVERYONE. Did you see her at the MTV Video awards? Her big chance to “make a comeback” was just slammed by everyone; yet, her newest cookie cutter album sold ~1.5 million copies. STOP FUCKING GIVING HER MONEY. The bear is fat, rabies infested, but if you keep throwing it pork chops, he’s not going anywhere. This also leads to another perennial problem: Kevin Federline. Only you can prevent Federline.

4) Stop Pretending Reality TV is Good Entertainment

American Idol is coming back around for a eleventy billionth season and will undoubtedly be the most watched show in America while it is running. America loves mindless entertainment more than down syndrome kids love Velcro. Unfortunately, this has led to America’s next top ________ and it’s plethora of spinoffs. VH1 exists purely on this type of TV and following around B,C,D, and sometimes even Taco Bell grade meat celebrities. Our minds are being numbed by this idiotic form of entertainment. Do I watch these shows? You’re god damn right I do. Do I hate myself for doing so? You’re god damn right I do! Unfortunately, there really isn’t much else on TV these days. This is because, anytime a decent thought provoking show comes through the pipeline, it is destroyed in the ratings by America’s Next Shoe Salesman! Fox stopped airing the smartest show in network TV (Arrested Development) so it could air more of the racist (be honest with yourself) 24, When Bee’s Attack, America’s Next Top Fluffer, and The Sanjaya’s! reality show. Most “smart” shows are on the movie channels. Showtime and HBO have some of the best television on TV that most people just can’t afford to watch. Although, Entourage… seriously they knew Sex in the City was great for girls so they just re-wrote the show and replaced every girl thing in the script with a dude thing. Do you really think Marky Mark is that creative? If you have a problem with that last statement, ask yourself how much Ax Bodyspray you have while you’re reading your Maxim Magazine (male Cosmo). Stop watching these shows or sooner or later that’s all TV is going to be and it’s my/your/our fault!

Whelp, that is my Festivus airing of grievances. Feel free to leave me hateful comments.